VIAGRA NEWS

Source: ABS CBN News

Date: 21-Sep-2008

Author: Ramil Digal Gulle

I have a lifelong dissatisfaction with action figures (Oh come on let's all call 'em what they are: dolls. Dolls for boys.). Growing up, there was never a lack of action figures in stores, from He-Man to the Star Wars characters, to the old reliable Marvel and DC characters. And yet, none, none of them ever measured up to the very first action figure I ever wanted: a Steve Austin action figure that stood at 12-13 inches and wore a red jumpsuit.

It was the very first action figure I saw in my life, and some other kid was playing with it. It was probably around 1977 or 1978 when I saw it, so I was at most five years of age but already I had been watching "The Six Million Dollar Man" on television. The Steve Austin character should not be confused with Stone Cold Steve Austin the wrestler, okay, for those of you who grew up on Wrestlemania.

Col. Steve Austin was cool. He had a robotic right arm. Two robotic legs. A cybernetic eye with telescopic and infra red vision. In some versions of the tale--only in the novels written by Martin Caidin--the cybernetic eye could also shoot laser beams.

As any Wikipedia-savvy kid can tell you now, "The Six Million Dollar Man" was a TV spin-off of "Cyborg" the novel by Caidin that spawned sequels and further novelizations by other writers. It was science fiction that never reached too many Filipinos except through the TV version that made actor Lee Majors an international superstar.

The TV series was called "The Six Million Dollar Man" because in the story, it cost $6,000,000 dollars to rebuild Steve Austin into his bionic self.

The SMDM action figure was the height of cool for me, who did not grow up in a rich household. Just look: the action figure could flail an arm out, up and down, if you pressed a button on its back.

Best of all, there's a peephole at the back of the Steve Austin action figure's head where, if you peeked through it, you could see naked pictures of Lee Majors' ex-wife Farrah Fawcett, photos from the time when the mere sight of her caused prepubescent boys to sexually mature at an accelerated rate.

No, that's wrong. What really happened when you peeped through the hole was, well, you found out that the doll's left eye was actually a telescope! Yeah, it was an actual, working telescope!

Other models of the Steve Austin Action Figure even had "bionic grip action". You could have Steve Austin's bionic latex hand grip a steel rafter--it looked really large and heavy even though it was actually plastic--and by operating another mechanism at the back, Steve Austin will--amazingly--lift the rafter up, up and up. Incredible.

Unfortunately, my mom said the cost of the toy was outside her pay grade (she used the phrase way before Obama) and that was the end of that. But I never, ever forgot that action figure--and I never liked any other doll ever since. And I always thought Ken, even though he had big-bosomed Barbie on his arm, was a wuss.

By the way, SMDM action figures are now a collector's item, available on Ebay and other sites.

Mythos of the Upgraded Man

In superhero myths around the world, which are also offshoots of the Hero Myth that gave us tales of divine or half-divine heroes and saviors, there are in general two types of heroes: heroes that are made and heroes that are born.

Born heroes had their powers from birth: Think Hercules and Jesus Christ. In ancient times, these heroes were children of one or two divine parents. They were half-mortal and half-god. Then there are heroes that are made--they are ordinary mortals at birth, but somehow through magical means or through the blessings of a god, they acquire powers.

Think Achilles, who got dipped in the river Styx at birth, or Pedro Penduko, who swallowed the magical essence of the banana bud or blossom (puso ng saging) on a certain night. That's how Achilles became invulnerable to every weapon in ancient Greece, and how Pedro Penduko acquired the powers to fight all the demonic creatures of Philippine folklore.

In other words, purely mortal heroes got an upgrade. And what else are bionic parts but the mechanical, electronic equivalent of water from the Styx or puso ng saging?

In the 1980s and 1990s, all the way to the noughties (the year 2000 and beyond), these Upgraded Men continued in our collective mythology. Other cyborgs and bionic people began to populate fiction. William Katt's "Greatest American Hero" in the 1980s became Superman-like when he wore a supersuit made by an alien civilization.

The kind of upgrades that superheroes today get are based on whatever technology seems really cool and well-advanced: take genetic engineering and nanotechnology as examples.

In a very real way, the current kiddie favorite fictional hero Ben 10 would not be possible without the Six Million Dollar Man. In the popular animated series aired on Cartoon Network, the lead character Ben Tennyson gets an upgrade when an alien device, The Omnitrix, latches onto his arm. The Omnitrix transforms Ben into various types of alien creatures each with its own set of powers.

The Omnitrix does all that by genetic manipulation: it has the ability to absorb the DNA code of various alien creatures and mixes their DNA with Ben's DNA. The Omnitrix can add to the number of alien creatures' DNA codes simply by making physical contact with an alien being.

So while Steve Austin gets his upgrade through bionics, Ben Tennyson gets his upgrade through genetic engineering.

The idea of bionics was re-introduced recently with the remake of The Bionic Woman. The orignal series which debuted in 1976 created a female counterpart to Steve Austin with a slightly different set of "powers".

In 2007, an updated Bionic Woman TV show was released and, unfortunately, after the Hollywood Writers' Strike, it was never continued. The 2007 Bionic Woman earned mixed reviews. One of the complaints was that the lead character Jaime Sommers (the same name of the lead in the original 70s show) as played by actress Michelle Ryan, was actually less interesting than the villain, another Bionic Woman played by sci-fi babe Katee Sackhoff.

In the new Bionic Woman, much more advanced bionic limbs are installed into Jaime Sommers and she also has "anthrocytes", nanotechnology in her blood that allows her to quickly heal from injuries. So if you think about it, the new Bionic Woman had powers similar to X-Man Wolverine's mutant healing factor.

I would agree with the comment that Katee Sackhoff kicked major butt in the new Bionic Woman. She was simply fantastic playing the part. So maybe it was a miscast on the part of the producers. Sackhoff simply took over the TV screen whenever she was in a scene.

What is it about babes in science fiction? The original Jaime Sommers played by Lindsay Wagner; Katee Sackhoff in the new Bionic Woman and "Battlestar Galactica"; Hayden Panettiere in "Heroes"; Patricia Tallman in the new Star Trek series and "Babylon 5"; and Lisa Ryder in the movie "Jason X". Boy, even geeks need to have their female fantasies.

Six Million Centavo Man

In the Philippines, the SMDM was so popular, it was given the greatest tribute ever by Filipinos: the concept of the TV show was ripped off and made into a movie starring one of the Philippines greatest actors: Chiquito.

You remember that film? It was called "The Six Million Centavo Man" and it came out in 1980. As I remember it, the plot starts out in a similar way: Chiquito's character (also named Steve) gets into a horrible accident and is about to die when a radical procedure is done to save him: he is given bionic upgrades and becomes The Six Million Centavo Man.

I remember the scene where the doctors open up the back of Chiquito's character during surgery. You see, instead of putting on bionic limbs on the character, the doctors simply implant a square looking device, around the size of a small laptop, inside the character's back. Maybe that's all you get for six million centavos.

But the results are equally astounding. Chiquito's character develops heightened senses--telescopic sight, ears that could detect minute sounds a mile away, etc. His strength and speed become prodigious.

Unfortunately, six million centavos don't buy our Pinoy Bionic Man a long-term power supply: Once a day, our Pinoy Bionic Man has to pull out a cable from his back and plug himself into an AC power outlet to recharge. Without a recharge, Pinoy Bionic Man weakens and practically turns into a cripple.

In the movie's climactic scene, Pinoy Bionic Man runs out of power--with no AC outlet in sight. The bad guys beat him up and leave him for dead. Pinoy Bionic Man struggles to recover so he could rescue his girlfriend. Finally he finds an AC outlet inside a junkyard. He plugs himself in for a recharge. There's no power. He finds out that he has to throw the switch from a nearby fuse box to get the power running.

Unfortunately, the switch is for a high voltage box. The Pinoy Bionic Man gets fried. But wait, his implants save him with one strange side effect: Pinoy Bionic Man turns into Pinoy Incredible Hulk!

Yes, Chiquito's character morphs into the huge, fat green guy that roars and rampages ala The Incredible Hulk (also a popular Pinoy TV favorite at the time). Pinoy Hulk destroys the bad guys and slumps back to the ground when the juice runs out.

When our Pinoy Steve wakes up, he finds the implant from his back has fallen off. It's destroyed completely. But wait, he's back to normal! No longer a superhero, but he's completely healed of his injuries and no longer crippled.

Don't ask how or why such a thing could happen in Philippine movies. It just does.

Lee Majors was here

So you can understand why I was so keyed up for my interview with Lee Majors. I even joked to the guys at the office, as I got up to leave for the press conference in Makati, "I have to go now. I have to catch up with Lee Majors. You know how it is, he runs really fast--in slow motion."

The press met Lee Majors at a modern Japanese-and-Asian Fusion-themed restaurant. He seemed very happy to be part of the Ben 10 movie. He talked about how he now gets approached by 5-year-olds who recognize him as Grandpa Max. "I'm getting a whole new audience here, " he quipped.

I realized during the press con that watching Lee Majors on TV had become a habit for me. After "The Six Million Dollar Man" got cancelled, I was stil able to watch his next TV series, including "Fall Guy" (OMG, remember Heather Thomas?) and yes, even the short-lived martial arts ninja action series "Raven" where he was the sidekick of the lead star.

Lee Majors, I could tell immediately, is a great guy. He's 69 years old, has a very beautiful wife, has a great sense of humor and remains a star. That's why I'm glad that my own kids love the character he's playing in the new live-action Ben 10 made-for-TV movie: "Ben 10: Race Against Time".

In that movie, he plays Grandpa Max, a kind of Men In Black operative: a secret agent who battles enemy aliens. Even though he's already a lolo, it's through him that Ben learns how to be a real hero. My kids watched the premiere and they said it was one of the best movies they've ever seen. ("Ben 10: Race Against Time" is showing on September 26 at 8pm over Cartoon Network on your cable provider.)

It was such a bummer to find out later, after Majors spoke to all of us, that there would be no more interviews. Or maybe certain other members of the press were able to interview him, just not me. I have no idea. But it was a very deflating experience--it felt like, like, why yes, like Pinoy Bionic Man running out of power.

Unless my bionic ear and my bionic memory are on the fritz, I can still recall talking to someone over the phone and learning that 15 minutes would be divided among the reporters who wanted to interview Majors.

Anyway, what happened instead was that I wrote down a few questions on a piece of paper which was later forwarded to Majors. He answered the questions and those answers were emailed to me. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to write the article I had planned to write, but here are Majors' answers anyway:

When was the last time you were in the Philippines?

I was here in the seventies to shoot a film.

What are your memories of that visit?

Somebody told me that someone out here had built a Bionic Jeepney and of course, I had to go out and look for it while I was here. I also had the chance to dine at the Malacanang Palace with the First Family.

As far as you know, are there plans to do a TV or movie remake of "The Six Million Dollar Man"?

I heard it has been in the works …

Do Steve Austin and Grandpa Max have anything in common?

Well, they’re both heroes. Steve Austin is a hero to people and Grandpa Max is a hero to Ben & Gwen. Well, most Grandpas are heroes to their grandchildren.

Many of your roles involved some elements of humor. Do you prefer doing those types of roles?

When I was doing 6 Million Dollar Man, all the episodes were quite serious. I didn’t get the chance to do any humor. So, when I got the opportunity to do Fall Guy I tried to do as much humor with my part that I can get away with. But since then, in the last 6 years or so I’ve done a lot of small bits in movies and I’ve been a guest in a lot of TV comedy dramas. But most of all, movies are really fun and kind of crazy.

If it were possible to rebuild you with bionics, would go for it?

Well, I need a new back, and a new pair of knees!

Have you ever had, at any point in your life, six million dollars?

No.

Pop culture

There are references to the SMDM in popular culture everywhere. There's even a coffee commercial that uses the trademark bionic slo-mo running. Just logging into YouTube exposes you to a lot of SMDM spoofs and related clips.

But why did Steve Austin, who was supposed to be able to run at at least 60 mph, run in slow motion in the TV series? Well, my theory is, it wouldn't be as exciting if he moved at blurry speed, right? That was certainly one of the strangest twists on television--having a character move in slow motion to show that he was actually moving very, very fast.

Apart from that trademark slo-mo, there was also a peculiar, electronic sound that accompanied the SMDM's feats of strength and physical exertion. As kids we always made that sound when playing bionic characters.

It goes like this (to my generation of Pinoy kids' ears): TEN-nen-enen-enennn.

Steve Austin whacks the Maskatron Robot (a robot who wears different masks as a disguise--okay, so the name wasn't so brilliant) with a steel rafter, TEN-nen-enen-enennn.

Steve Austin smashes through a wall, TEN-nen-enen-enennn. Steve Austin rips the bionic arm off the Sasquatch, TEN-nen-enen-enennn. Yes, in the old SMDM series, Bigfoot is a villain. Not only is Bigfoot a kind of ape-like evolutionary monstrosity, he is actually given bionics by aliens.

If ever you hear the sound TEN-nen-enen-enennn repeatedly as you pass by a locked men's room, there could be a lonely Bionic Man inside. Do motel staff ever hear TEN-nen-enen-enennn sounds on Valentine's Day?

And oh, yeah, the famous opening words to each SMDM episode were also spoofed in the film "Dogma" by the Metatron, The Voice of God. In that film, we learn that Alanis Morisette is God.

There's a scene in "Dogma" where lead character Bethany is killed and then brought back to life by God. Bethany is awed by the experience and asks the Metatron about it.

Metatron replies, "She can rebuild you. She has the technology. She can make you better, stronger, faster." Watch the SMDM intro clip on YouTube, it's one of the best ever.

It's only proper to end this article with these immortal words:

"Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive.

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man.

"Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster."

Those words encapsulate our very human hope that no matter what the obstacles, we can still overcome--whether through technology, Viagra, knowledge, faith, or the simple refusal to give up--as we desire for even better things in the future.

Okay, I gotta run. TEN-nen-enen-enennn... TEN-nen-enen-enennn...